Claw
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« on: June 21, 2010, 06:09:07 pm » |
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Character Name: Claw Starting Region: kanto Trainer Class: Trainer Starter Pokemon: Charmander Starter Nickname: Chaos Starter Gender: male Role Play Example: Claw awoke from a deep sleep one morning to find the window next to his bed had been smashed, as if a rock had been thrown through it. He sat up and looked around the room, there was no sign of any rock but there was a poke ball! he shook his head and looked again and it was sure enough a poke ball. claw heard a noise from behind him that made him jump, he realized it was only the sound of smashing glass. Claws life has been pretty weird from when his parents died. They died in a car accident. He ran away from the childrens home and found an abandoned house. he went to pick up the poke ball to see if it was real but he was interrupted by a knock at the door. he put on some randome clothes and ran to the door he opened it an inch or two and saw a 9 year old childs grining face. the child squirted claw in the face whit a water gun and ran off. Claw angrily slammed the door shut and walked back to his bedroom to inspect the poke ball. He threw it in the air and catched it a couple of times then he pressed the button on it. an orange pokemon whit a cream coulored belly and a flaming tail appeared, it was a charmander! for some reason claw flashed back to the day when he explored this house when he went in the basement there was a ghastly which attacked him. Ever since that day he left the basement door locked and barricaded. but now since he had a pokemon... claw returned the charmander and went downstairs to the basement door. he pushed the barricade of chairs and a table to the side and opened the door to the dark dungeon, he slowly walked down the creaky stairs.when suddenly the ghastly appeared out of thin air and started towards him. Claw sent out his newly found pokemon to fight the ball of darkness, the charmander was confused and ran from the ghastly but he tripped over. the ghastly changed course and headed at an easier prey but before he reached the helpless charmander it burst into flames and hit the ground. The flames seemed to come from nowhere but it was the charmander who set fire to the evil pokemon he started shooting flames in every direction setting fire to old chairs and the wooden floorboards. Very soon the house would be burnt to the ground claw returned the scared pokemon and ran up the wooden steps which were setting on fire as well. he opened the front door and lept outside and across the road were he he stopped to rest from all the exitment. claw could hear sirens in the distance soon he would have to deal whith the police and tell them what happened ... unless he ran away again sorry about the picture, i just dont really have one.
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« Last Edit: January 15, 2011, 08:57:03 am by Nicola »
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Aura
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« Reply #1 on: June 22, 2010, 04:55:59 am » |
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Aaron, even though I'm not a mod, I've still go somethings to say:
1. I can't see your picture at all. This isn't a problem, but you might want to fix it. Unless it's just my computer (which it probably is) 2. How many people do you know that would call their child 'Claw'? It's not a normal name, unless it's a nickname or a name taken for themselves. And If you're going to throw Dusk's name back at me, well I've heard of it being an name anyway. 3. You'll want to put some capitals in there. Chaos rather than chaos. He rather than he. You get the idea.
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Dani~
Generic dot is generic.
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« Reply #2 on: June 22, 2010, 06:45:22 am » |
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It's not your computer, Aura. But anyway, I also have something to add.
4. A few fullstops and commors (I fail at spelling that word) are missing.
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Jake
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« Reply #3 on: June 22, 2010, 09:05:52 am » |
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commors
You mean comma's? this things? , <---right there?
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Nicola
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« Reply #4 on: June 22, 2010, 09:32:24 am » |
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I have something to add, too. I think your character seems off in his own world here; things happen to him and he doesn't appear to notice or have any reaction. Might someone wonder what someone was doing, throwing a Pokeball through his window? Or maybe get annoyed when a kid squirted a water gun into his face? Or perhaps feel afraid when trying to escape a house about to burn down? Try including what your character feels about the things happening around him.
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Shinx Nickname: Bolt Gender: Male; Personality: Jolly Ability: Intimidate, Holding: Nothing Happiness: 250, Level: 14; Experience: 5/14 Tackle Leer Charge Bite | Lucario Nickname: Crystal Gender: Female, Personality: Gentle Ability: Steadfast, Holding: Silk Scarf Happiness: 250, Level: 13, Experience: 8.5/13 Quick Attack Force Palm Endure Counter | Corsola Nickname: Aqua Gender: Female, Personality: Naïve Ability: Hustle, Natural Cure, Holding: Oran Berry Happiness: 190, Level: 8, Experience: 3.5/8 Tackle Harden Bubble | Growlithe
Nickname: Donut Gender: Male, Personality: Serious Ability: Intimidate & Flash Fire, Holding: Nothing Happiness: 80, Level: 10, Experience: 0/10 Bite Roar Ember Leer |
<--My Bio
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Claw
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« Reply #5 on: June 22, 2010, 09:57:17 am » |
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sorry about the role play example it was past midnight when i did it, but i have edited it a bit.
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Jo
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« Reply #6 on: June 22, 2010, 11:42:44 am » |
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Apart from the odd capital and piece of grammar (if you go over that again, I'd be glad!), the story was enticing and I felt for Claw. I guess Claw is his name because his parents failed to name him before dying, thus he named himself? So, apart from those minor issues, you're more or less accepted. ^^
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Biography Umbreon Nickname: Tails Gender: Female; Personality: Timid Ability: ~Synchronize~, Holding: Oran Berry Happiness: 250, Level: 14; Experience: 12.5/14 Tackle Tail Whip Shadow Ball Sand Attack | Nidoran♂ Nickname: Toxin Gender: Male, Personality: Timid Ability: ~Poison Point~, ~Rivalry~ Holding: Rawst Berry Happiness: 210, Level: 15, Experience: 8/15 Double Kick Peck Focus Energy Poison Sting | Skorupi Nickname: N/A Gender: Male, Personality: Brave Ability: ~Battle Armour~, ~Sniper~, Holding: N/A Happiness: 80, Level: 5, Experience: 0/5 Bite Poison Sting --- ---
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