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Earth Shadows

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Cola
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« on: April 05, 2010, 10:35:08 am »

[I think that my story Earth Shadows is a great example of how my writing has improved over the years, as I wrote part of it two years ago and rewrote some of it recently. Take a look at the first scene and you'll see what I mean.]

Original:

     Takibi opened her eyes and gasped.
     “It’s amazing, Ryuu!”
     She stood in front of a large fountain engraved with several pictures and patterns, like some sort of historic mural. It had several layers like a wedding cake and balancing on top was a beautiful statue of a girl.
     The girl looked 15 or so, the same age as Takibi, but her face showed signs of wisdom and maturity. She had a slender figure and was wearing a tie waistband on her dress. Her long, flowing hair was sculpted so perfectly that it almost looked real.
     “Welcome to Shinzui Springs!” Ryuu announced. Takibi smiled at him.
     “Thank you for bringing me here. This would just be the perfect setting for a story to take place. Thanks again, Ryuu!”
     Ryuu smiled back at Takibi.
     “No problem—that’s why I brought you here.”
     Takibi and Ryuu continued to look at each other and smile. Suddenly Ryuu looked down at his watch.
     “Well, I should be getting the food, now.”
     “Food?”
     “Yeah, we’re going to picnic here. I’ll go get the food from the car.”
     Ryuu turned and ran through the gate until he was out of sight. Takibi was considering calling out to him and asking if she could come, too, but he was gone.

Rewrite:

     Alexa opened her eyes and gasped.
     “It’s amazing, Danny!”
     She stood in front of a large fountain engraved with several odd symbols and words that resembled some sort of ancient mural. The structure had several layers like a wedding cake and balancing on the very top was a slab of dark gray rock that had been carved into the image of a girl. The statue girl looked to be sixteen, the same age as Alexa, but certain angles of her delicate features hinted at a hidden wisdom and maturity. Her long flowing locks and billowing dress had been sculpted to perfection, and all of those things piled together into a single statue made for quite the spectacle.
     “Welcome to the Mythic Gardens!” Daniel announced, making a grandiose gesture at the circular space of combined fountain and foliage. “There’s a lot more garden space past that hedge, but I explored most of it earlier and thought you’d like this part best.”
     “It’s amazing!” Alexa squealed again, skipping around the fountain centerpiece to inspect the impressive array of greenery. Turning her bright blue eyes back on Daniel, she beamed. “I’ve been wanting to come here for the past week, but I hadn’t been able to make enough time for it! How did you know to bring me here?”
     “Well, you sort of mentioned it,” Daniel started off-handedly, “you know, yesterday, and the day before that… and I think you said something about it on Wednesday. Tuesday, too.”
     “Oh that’s right, I did,” she giggled, sounding as if she had known it all along.
     Alexa leaned against the outer ring of the fountain’s bowl of water and grinned over at Daniel before her eyes trailed over to the thing she was leaning on.
     “So who’s this supposed to be a fountain of, anyway?”
     “I dunno, read the plaque,” Daniel replied uninterestedly, although the look he gave the sculpture belied his fascination in the masterpiece.
     As Alexa turned her head to probe Daniel’s features for what he was thinking, she immediately detected the interest and, startled at what she saw, whirled around to face him just as his eyes removed themselves from the statue and flickered down at his watch.
     “You don’t think she’s prettier than me, do you?” Alexa demanded enviously, slapping her hands on the edge of the fountain for emphasis on how outrageous she thought that would be. The boy’s eyes snapped up to look at Alexa upon her outburst, and he instantly took on a look of surprise.
     “No, no, of course not!” he exclaimed defensively.
     “Are you sure?” a fire-eyed Alexa demanded, skirting the fountain bowl to look directly at Daniel, who looked at her with firm eyes until his girlfriend’s shoulders assumed a more relaxed position and a grin spread across her face. Alexa beamed and a long stream of giggles escaped her lips. “Hey, you don’t need to look all serious like that; I believe you, silly!”
     Daniel contributed his own laugh, which carried a twinge of some conflicting emotion that Alexa almost didn’t pick up on. Despite her joyful mood, Alexa’s lower lip jutted out slightly, as it was wont to do when the girl thought that somebody was hiding something from her, but she decided not to press the matter. If whatever was troubling Daniel was important, or, for that matter, any of her business, he would probably come out with it soon enough. At that point, Daniel raised his right wrist and glanced down at his watch again.
     “Why do you keep on looking at your watch?”
     “Oh, I was just waiting for the right moment to go get the food.”
     “Food?”
     “We’re having a picnic here. I didn’t tell you?”
     “A picnic?” Alexa parroted, her eyes sparkling with delight. “Oh Danny, I love picnics!”
     “I know,” Daniel responded with a hint of a smile, “you told me about that, too.”
     After entreating Alexa to remain right where she was, Daniel then dismissed himself to get the food from the car, leaving Alexa twirling her mousy brown hair around her finger as she awaited his return.

[I'm really happy with my rewrite of my old work. What do you think?]

[Edit: I totally forgot that I named one of the characters Daniel! Ahaha, how ironic. Anyway, he has nothing to do with the Daniel on PJOR, it was a total coincidence. XD]
« Last Edit: April 05, 2010, 11:08:52 am by Nicola » Report Spam   Logged


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